MY FEUDAL LORD : A woman's fight for acceptance and survival

 TEHMIN DURRANI'S DEVASTATING ORDEAL IN A MAN ORIENTED SOCIETY :

The much-scandaled biography of Tehmina Durrani that depicted 13 long and brutal years of her marriage to Cheif Minister Mustafa Kher. A household gossip that was internationalized by her efforts to make much of her private life public. Here was a woman, who went against the unwritten code of marriage in Eastern society and made her life a public statement, open to receive all the criticism from unknown people. But by this audacious act, she lit the year's old veil on fire, hence giving voice to a hidden and dark secret our society desperately wanted to bury. Tehmina Durrani in her shocking confession made her readers the sole judge of the atrocities she faced at the hands of a man she was married to. She became the symbol of 'that woman', but today as I finish reading her life story, I admire her more than I should. I can't hold her accountable for the deeds that deemed her a bad woman. I can't go about and pass a judgement on a woman who according to many betrayed the sacred trust of her husband when she publicly humiliated him by revealing his truth. In her story, so many voiceless corpses resonated, in her defiance so many lost battles were honoured. You can disagree with what she had written but you can't stop and admire the stance she took by revealing the rotting cultural mentality poisoning so many lives even now!

Growing up in a country as diabolical as Pakistan, I bear witness to yet again scandalized but for my gender extremely important movement the AURAT MARCH, that was dissected by males in ways so humiliating to even mention. But that's the difference a woman in my times, knows her worth. She can't be subjected to hostility, she will retaliate back. This all has been possible by the constant support being provided by other women. We have finally realized that our unity strengthens us. But midst this all, there is a large portion of females who are a firm adherent of mentality Tehmina Durrani faced in her time. There are women who had inherited the very system of slavery, whose voiceless mothers and sisters cut out their tongues in fear of rebellion. For them, we are the disgraced, the evil, the abominable creation of western propaganda, having no respect for our forefathers, dishonouring the family names and values when we speak about the brutalities our bodies go through. When we vocalise the battering and beating. When we normalize leaving from abusive and controlling partners. When we don't shame the divorcees and treat them with the respect they deserve. When we allow our daughters to scream. We are the scorned in their eyes. 

While reading her life story there was this one thing that stuck with me, the lack of support she received from the women in her life. So many of whom had authority at their disposal, who could have bent the rules in their favour but they decided to ignore her suffering regarding it as her personal problem. She was signalled out, alone and cornered and yet no one came for her rescue and it took her 13years to understand that the battle was always her own. But here is the thing, we have engraved this cruel lie in our daughter's minds, they have to make a marriage work otherwise they'll be label a failure. This fear of being labelled inadequate, falling, has cost us so many lives. The empty eyes that convey the silent messages, the concealer that try to conceal the reality, the stories of falling down the stairs or bumping into the wall are the appeals of mercy and understanding that we dismiss. While we try to persuade a daughter to return back to a hell she escapes by gathering the last ounce of her courage, while we in our own senses sign her death sentence, we should know that annually more than 5000 women are killed from domestic violence.

Another astonishing revelation was the common practice over here, how her children were used as a tool to control her actions. How she succumb to every whip because of them. How it took her so many years to finally end a cycle of abuse and break free from shackles. That is the saddest reality and a shattering truth. In our society, the bandage for broken marriages is a child, as offensive as it sounds that's the advice given to every girl. We have made the biggest strength a mother can have into her weakness. 

Finally, this book highlighted so many darkened issues plaguing our society since the time this book was published. Like a malignancy, ruining our society. It needs to be diagnosed before treated, It needs to be accepted before correction. The biggest take away from her undeniable testament was how the institution of marriage is utterly flawed, how we make young girls believe that its the only goal they should advance towards, how we handicapped them, stripping them of any identify without their husband's name. how completely dependent we make them. Tehmina Durrani's attempt at correcting the defective parts of this society by bringing them into the public light is commendable. Her daring step can caution so many. If she'll ever behold accountable in my eyes, she'll be for not leaving after that first slap. For not ending the nightmare before its inception. But then, I can't blame her for that even. Our society is restrictive, it's tiring and it's suffocation. The adjectives it prefers for us are limiting. Our unapologetic outlook on life is scary, for we know even today the merits for judgement aren't same. 

No matter how hard it is to believe what she has written, you'll definitely see someone you know in her words, and if you do, you know deep down that what she wrote was far far away from fantasy. It's a shocking reality that sadly even now we aren't ready to accept. It takes more than courage to do what she did, she survived and I think that's commendable. Tehmina Durrani's my feudal lord is a bold testimony against a very patriarchal mindset. It was meant to shake the very foundations of our society and she succeded in it.